Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
