genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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