Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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