You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
