I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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