My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
