Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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