Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
