I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
