I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
