does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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