im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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