Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So many bounce houses so little time
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
