You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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