HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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