You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
