He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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