u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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