Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
