I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
