yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
