We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
3 2 1 whiskey
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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