I didn't shave. On purpose
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
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