i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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