I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
