I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize