How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
