i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
