i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
the liver wants what the liver wants
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
