I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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