I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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