I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
i now understand why vodka
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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