you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize