So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
