It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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