Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
