But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
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