I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
