Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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