Your mouth is God's brothel.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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