So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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