Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
