When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My ass is underappreciated
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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