I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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