please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
