Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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