god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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