you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
