Sry I called you an 8
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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