Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
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