Your favorite bartender is back from prision
can u get pink eye on your cock?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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