Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
