Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
