are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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