woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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