so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize