Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
When did angry sex become our thing?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
