y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
