so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
