nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
We don't watch enough power rangers
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
