i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
