that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
