I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
