I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
