Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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