Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
