You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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