guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
